Lately, I have been suffering from a bout of depression. I know..I know..I'm a hypochondriac ever since I started school, but seriously. I just don't feel like myself. I could cry at any second. I am not sleeping or eating like I used to. I feel like I'm in the middle of an ocean, and I am growing more and more tired of treading water. Here are a list of things that make me feel like I should be commited.

School: School is going bad. Really bad actually. I can't seem to get a handle on things. I want to do well, and the enormous amount of pressure I place on myself isn't helping. When I am in clinical, I basically rock. I love my patients and all of the things I get to do to help them. When it comes to sitting down and learning about body systems, I am unmotivated. I know that school work is necessary in order to become a well informed nurse, but I wish I could just skip out on it. If I don't figure something out soon, I will fail this semester. Dramatic antics aside, literally, I will be kicked out of nursing school.

Work: I really love my job. My boss is awesome, and all of my coworkers are like my extended family. I never thought a job could be this enjoyable. Sure there are days when I'm like, "Seriously..this sucks," but for the most part, it's awesome all the time. However, one of my bosses (not the main one) and I were once romantically involved. Since he ended up not being my Prince Charming or anything that even came close to that, it has put a lot of strain on work. I'm not being "that girl" at work, but when you feel like hurting someone as much as they hurt you, it kind of makes you crazy. (More on this later!) Also, my schedule is just insane. When I'm not in class which is only Tuesday nights, Friday nights, Saturday, and Sunday, I am at work. This has been a reason that I have been unable to stay sane with my class schedule. I am taking a couple weeks off of work. I can't really afford to, but my parents support me. I would rather be WAY poor for a month or so than have to wait tables for the rest of my life.

The Ones with Penises: The bane of my existence. I trust too freely and wear my heart on my sleeve. Although I am glad of that because all of the struggle makes me who I am, sometimes it's just down-right painful. This pain has esculated within the past month or so. Like I mentioned before one of my other bosses (we shall call him Turtle for all intents and purposes) and I were involved. Long story short, I was ready and he wasn't. Although this caused me a lot of hurt, I was willing to overlook it. We were still friends, and I figured I was just biding my time until he finally came around. Unfortunately I guess friendship means two different things in our minds. Friendship to me is me being there for him and him doing the same. You know the old give and take. Friendship for him is me being there for him and him being there when he has nothing else to occupy his time. I finally reached my breaking point and let him have it. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to him in a week. (That is a long time considering we usually text all day everyday.)

I feel like I deserve happiness. I feel like I deserve to have a man into me as much as I'm into him. Turtle couldn't give me that. I guess I'm bitter, but I'm left wondering, "Why can't I just be happy without someone?" I'm trying to find the answer to that question, but it seems there are a lot of growing pains during self discovery. These growing pains have left me gasping for air because I feel like they might break my heart in two. Will I ever figure myself out?