Lately, I have been suffering from a bout of depression. I know..I know..I'm a hypochondriac ever since I started school, but seriously. I just don't feel like myself. I could cry at any second. I am not sleeping or eating like I used to. I feel like I'm in the middle of an ocean, and I am growing more and more tired of treading water. Here are a list of things that make me feel like I should be commited.

School: School is going bad. Really bad actually. I can't seem to get a handle on things. I want to do well, and the enormous amount of pressure I place on myself isn't helping. When I am in clinical, I basically rock. I love my patients and all of the things I get to do to help them. When it comes to sitting down and learning about body systems, I am unmotivated. I know that school work is necessary in order to become a well informed nurse, but I wish I could just skip out on it. If I don't figure something out soon, I will fail this semester. Dramatic antics aside, literally, I will be kicked out of nursing school.

Work: I really love my job. My boss is awesome, and all of my coworkers are like my extended family. I never thought a job could be this enjoyable. Sure there are days when I'm like, "Seriously..this sucks," but for the most part, it's awesome all the time. However, one of my bosses (not the main one) and I were once romantically involved. Since he ended up not being my Prince Charming or anything that even came close to that, it has put a lot of strain on work. I'm not being "that girl" at work, but when you feel like hurting someone as much as they hurt you, it kind of makes you crazy. (More on this later!) Also, my schedule is just insane. When I'm not in class which is only Tuesday nights, Friday nights, Saturday, and Sunday, I am at work. This has been a reason that I have been unable to stay sane with my class schedule. I am taking a couple weeks off of work. I can't really afford to, but my parents support me. I would rather be WAY poor for a month or so than have to wait tables for the rest of my life.

The Ones with Penises: The bane of my existence. I trust too freely and wear my heart on my sleeve. Although I am glad of that because all of the struggle makes me who I am, sometimes it's just down-right painful. This pain has esculated within the past month or so. Like I mentioned before one of my other bosses (we shall call him Turtle for all intents and purposes) and I were involved. Long story short, I was ready and he wasn't. Although this caused me a lot of hurt, I was willing to overlook it. We were still friends, and I figured I was just biding my time until he finally came around. Unfortunately I guess friendship means two different things in our minds. Friendship to me is me being there for him and him doing the same. You know the old give and take. Friendship for him is me being there for him and him being there when he has nothing else to occupy his time. I finally reached my breaking point and let him have it. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to him in a week. (That is a long time considering we usually text all day everyday.)

I feel like I deserve happiness. I feel like I deserve to have a man into me as much as I'm into him. Turtle couldn't give me that. I guess I'm bitter, but I'm left wondering, "Why can't I just be happy without someone?" I'm trying to find the answer to that question, but it seems there are a lot of growing pains during self discovery. These growing pains have left me gasping for air because I feel like they might break my heart in two. Will I ever figure myself out?

Making the First Move

Today, I started thinking about the pros and cons of making the first move. I'd like to tell people that I am truly a Southern Belle and always let the boy call me and talk to me, but I would be lying. The truth is, I'm proactive...that's a good way to say it...in my dating life. : )

Here is an example: I've had my eye on this particular guy for awhile now. One day I happened upon his myspace profile had a look around and decided that we could get along. He is cute and come to find out, he is a friend of one of my friends. I can't tell you all what he does because here in this small town, everyone would know who I was talking about. Let me just say, I know his personality, and I find it very appealing. We shall call him Red. Red seems to have all the good things I want in a man. He is smart, witty, driven, cute, and fun. We both love music. Sounds like he is a qualifier. So I was on Facebook last night talking to our mutual friend, and I decided to just say that I thought he was cute. She got the hint though and said she would let him know I said so. I'm not really sure exactly what that means, but I'm excited.

Up until I turned 16, I was a pretty shy girl. There are different degrees of shyness. I wouldn't freeze up talking to someone, but I would have a hard time playing it cool if some cute guy came up and started talking to me. Now I am much more of an extremist which causes me not to be so shy. Tell me I'm not going to do something, and I will do it with a smile on my face just to prove you wrong. The days of daring each other came and went like high school so I have to constantly challenge myself. I guess I do this in the dating world. I think that nothing good comes out of sitting by and waiting so I make things happen for myself. Just like with Red. I'm not sure if anything will happen with him, but hey, I put myself out there. Right?

So this weekend, I'm putting on my cutest clothes and going out for my friend Michelle's birthday. Who is bound to be there? You guessed it, Red! Maybe I'll go up and talk to him. I'm not sure, but either way I've got to take a chance.

I read an interesting article a couple weeks ago in Cosmo. The article was the feature article about Lady Gaga. It is no secret that I am mesmerized by Lady Gaga, and like most of America, I can't get enough. In this particular article, one specific quote struck me. She said, "Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore." As I read and reread it, I began to think about my outlook on love.

Let me explain what kind of girl I am. I believe love is the most powerful thing in the world. It can build you and destroy you. I am a true believer that all you really need is love. I am the girl that will do whatever is needed to preserve love. Miss me at 1 am? I'll come see you. Need me to clean your house so your visiting parents won't freak out? Be right there. I am constantly dropping whatever I need to do to be with a boy. Is this a good trait? Heck no! Am I guilty? Completely! I believe that love is caring more about their needs more than my own. I think its a realistic idea, however; maybe I need to take care of me sometimes. I'm not sure where to draw the line though.

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones

This is my story told my way.

I've always been hopeful about love. Like most little girls, I've had my wedding planned out since I was five. I wanted to big white dress that I envisioned Cinderella wore. I wanted the red roses and music from the orchestra. I wanted the carriage bringing me up to the end of the aisle and my Prince Charming gasping as he saw the beauty of his future bride. That was when I was five, and now I'm not sure if I will ever get there. Not that I want it to be exactly that way, but the idea that I'd actually get married would be good enough for me.

I've been single for 6 months now, and I can tell you, I've dated them all. Narcissistic jock-check! Artsy sensitive type- check, check! However, dating all of these guys, I can't seem to find the missing piece to my puzzle. There are a lot of pieces out there, but I haven't found the exact one I need yet. Trial and error have been my mainstays, but I'm starting to think there is some missing variable that I haven't adjusted correctly.

This is a self discovery project, but feel free to add your input. My life has always been an open book. Why not keep it that way?